ME/CFS, Long Covid & Sadness

In this post, ME/CFS & Long Covid coach, trainer and former sufferer of ME/CFS and fibromyalgia Simon Pimenta explores how to deal with sad, depressed feelings and negative thoughts.

Someone asked this question:

"How should we approach sad, depressed negative thoughts?

Should we allow them to arise and pass or interrupt them?"

In this post, I will share some thoughts on this.

It is completely understandable that a person dealing with ME/CFS, fibromyalgia, long covid, who wants to recover and get their life back, might experience these kind of feelings.

Brain Training

Some people learn brain training techniques.

One of the core principles of brain training is neuroplasticity – the scientific principle that the brain changes with use.

In essence, what we practice we get good at.

Some people learning brain training techniques are taught to say stop to what they think of as being unhelpful responses – unhelpful thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

It is worth considering that these 'unhelpful' responses may be our way of trying to keep us safe.

For example, if I've developed pessimism, then maybe that protects me from feelings of disappointment.

Is Saying Stop Useful?

Consider that just saying stop to an unhelpful response might not be that helpful if we're just suppressing our emotions.

Saying stop to a thought or feeling is a bit like noticing weeds in the garden and just cutting the grass.

If you haven't pulled the weeds out at the roots, they're just going to grow back.

Some people are taught that when they are saying stop, it is as if they're pressing the pause button, so that we can make sense of what's going on.

If saying 'stop' or 'pause' helps us reflect on the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that we are generating, that can be useful.

Should We Allow Sad Thoughts And Feelings To Arise And Pass?

There is this idea that emotions last around 90 seconds and therefore we should allow them.

This is an incorrect interpretation of a concept by neuroanatomist Dr Jill Bolte Taylor.

Her perspective is based on the idea that the initial physiological response to an emotional stimuli, i.e. the release of stress, hormones and body sensations, typically last about 90 seconds.

However, that does not mean that the entire emotional experience, the cognitive and psychological components of the emotions will last for 90 seconds.

The complete emotional experience may last longer than that.

So if you hear someone telling you the emotions last around 90 seconds, consider that's not an accurate science based idea!

However, there is something to be said about allowing our emotions, showing compassion towards the part of us that is experiencing those emotions.

Consider The Therapeutic Approach

There is a field of psychology called transpersonal psychology.

This approach encourages us to get to know and befriend the different parts of us, rather than trying to push the parts of us that generates uncomfortable emotions, feelings and thoughts away.

Trying to push that part away gives it more power.

Exercise 1

Imagine the part of you that is sad or depressed, or having negative thoughts.

How would you depict that part - what would it look like?

Spend a moment visualising how you would see that part of you.

Would you see it as a person, an animal or something else?

For me, I might see it as my inner child – the part of me that enjoys being happy and carefree, but is now feeling sad and depressed because they are unwell.

Imagine having a conversation with that part.

What would it say?

What would you say in response?

Allow a natural conversation to unfold.

Exercise 2

Consider how you might respond to a friend who is feeling this way.

If you told them to stop feeling that way, how would they feel?

I suspect they would feel sad, upset, stressed and hurt.

Conversely, how would they feel if you said:

“Tell me what's going on.”

If you acknowledge their feelings, maybe by saying:

“That sounds challenging.”

How they feel now?

I suspect they would feel heard, understood and relieved.

There is a school of counselling called co-counselling.

This is all about allowing someone to feel their feelings, allowing them to express their feelings and this helps them discharge their feelings.

This often results in a feeling of relief.

Consider how many times you've got something off your chest and felt better for it.

Is This A Habit?

It can be useful to ask ourselves the question:

“Has this emotion, feeling thought become a habit?”

I remember chatting to someone whose wife had left left him two years previously.

His friend was saying:

“Look, it's time to go out and start having fun and dating women.”

However, he was still stuck in feeling very sad that his wife left him.

Everything reminded him of his wife – making a cup of tea in the morning, having breakfast, going shopping.

So he spent a lot of time feeling sad - and according to his friend, he was stuck in feeling sorry for himself.

That might sound a bit harsh, but I got the feeling that his friend thought that maybe his downbeat look on things may have had something to do with why his wife left him.

Tough Love

2 'tough love' questions to ask are:

Is there a secondary gain here?

Is there a benefit for me stay in stuck?

There may be situations where these questions are not relevant to your situation, so be honest, compassionate and use your judgement.

I will give you a personal example of where these questions were relevant.

When I was in my 20s, I was dating this woman - she was a newsreader on a local TV channel - and a local celebrity.

We dated for a bit and the she dumped me for another bloke!

I was upset, but after a while I thought:
"Okay what can I learn from this?"

This other chap was a bit more flash than me, he would take her to Glyndebourne to see the opera and posh restaurants.

Now I just wasn’t really into opera, but I realise maybe I could have been a bit more exciting.

To be honest, at that time, I didn't really have a clue about dating!

Also, I decided that ultimately we weren’t a good fit and that it was okay that the relationship had ended.

I accepted the situation.

I took a look at myself.

I considered whether there were areas for self development: the answer was YES!

I then committed to taking on board that learning, move on and make more mistakes! :-)

I could have stayed stuck in feeling sorry for myself.

So sometimes if we are stuck in sadness and depression, it might be stopping us from accepting the current situation and then looking at what action we can take.

It is easier to not take action, than take action, with the risk that we might not succeed.

Of course, we might succeed!

Reframing

A final point to consider is that we might need to look at reframing the situation.

Reframing is about finding new, helpful ways of looking at things.

For example, ask the question:

"What beliefs do I have in relation to these feelings of sadness?"

If I have the belief that I'm not going to get well, then I'm going to continue to feel sad and depressed.

If I have the belief that I will get better and that I need to take committed action to help me move towards my goals, then I'm more likely to have feelings of hope and optimism and take inspired action!

In Closing

Consider the different ways of responding to sad, depressed feelings and negative thoughts that we have explored above.

Suppressing feelings and negative thoughts might not be the answer.

Instead, consider when it's useful to allow them.

There may be times when they might become habitual.

In this case, it may be time to look at how you are seeing things and considering whether there are other ways of seeing things.

Comment

I'd love to know what your key takeaways are and what action you will take.

Please leave a comment and do share the article with anyone who might find it helpful.

Wishing you great health!

About Simon

SIMON PIMENTA is a hypnotherapist, coach and trainer working with people to boost resilience and performance, and minimise stress.

After working in a demanding job as the Director of a Housing Trust, he went off sick and remained unable to work for the next 8 years.

He discovered a pioneering approach to resolving health issues and got back his health, and now trains others using these same techniques.